Haven't been blogging because life's been the same these few weeks..other than one or two parties here and there..n dinners with my family and also tian's family..what has been headache is only my uni apps. Other than that, I'm pretty much very happy with this good friday holiday and spent some time slacking with tian and walking around in town too. Caught Ms Congeniality 2 today..of course the first one is always better but sandra bullock is still my idol and she's still as gorgeous and funny..and the effort to make the plot new is recognised but yea i was alright for me. Two guys were sitting beside me and one of them was laughing like a girl throughout the whole show..rather grossed out by "oh..that is so farney!!"s. N there were quite a few scenes when the whole theatre started clapping and cheering..bet they enjoyed it too.

Tian n I have been saving money by having dinners at home but it's fine as long as we're together. But I'm still spending money like drinking water which is not good. My HongKong uni app is coming to a close and I'm so damn relieved. I hope they say no to me but nus says yes to me. In this way I get what I want n i won't deprive a hongkonger of his/her space in hku!! haha Finally got a taste of writing a personal statement and gotta write another one soon for NUS..i'm taking my time and being last minute..because life now after school has been so great and i'm so used to slacking and living life nice and slowly. Don't feel any urgency now though datelines are nearing. Nevermind..I'll never get to live life as it is now ever again n i want to make use of it fully.

Tian's even more worried about me not getting into medicine than I am..maybe because he's been through it and he understands the chances i'll get. I mistook him for not having faith in me and doubting my abilities but haha he's actually just playing safe and getting me prepared for the worse while I choose to be optimistic~!

Happy Good Friday and soon, Easter Day to all! Met jen n family at church that day with my sis n maid..told God some stuff and also begged for his forgiveness for not being a faithful Christian..but it has largely got to do with how involved my family is into our religion so yea..don't blame me!! I've so much to learn from the Bible..ok after Sophie's World I'll read the Bible..

Meeting celene tml..mich n jamie on tues most prob..yay i'll be busy again!~! N today's a rare Saturday night at home..I shall make use of the time to take a good rest n finish all my undone work. To all my friends whose lives seem so happening..have fun!!

What It Means To Grow Up

To me, growing up means..
1. Falling in love and knowing that he's The One..

2. Looking old and mature..

3. Crave for more and more shoes, bags, clothing of all sorts when you really don't need so many. I fell in love with 2 pairs of shoes form charles n keith..new arrivals but sheesh!!It's really a crime if I get both of them..cos it's really not a necessity!! guilt guilt guilt

4. Falling in love with fragrances like Romance by Ralph Lauren and make-up products like Bobbi Brown, simply because fragrances smell so good n look good too..make-up products - simply to add that little extra to our beautiful faces to look even better

5. End of uniforms and start of applications to university

6. Making serious choices

7. Getting a job..GETTING PAID!!!

8. Getting an atm card..followed by credit cards..but I don't think I need one..as long as my boyfriend has one..that's enough..HAHA

9. Learning to drive..followed by owning a car (that's still far)

10. Spending lesser and lesser time at home

11. Then realising the need to spend more time at home~!!

12. Become naggy, especially to your parents and siblings. Sometimes I feel like I rule at home haha

13. Late night outs..be it clubbing or hanging out with friends

14. Expensive presents..somehow the older we get, our presents become more expensive

15. Being brand-conscious (just can't help it. It all depends on whether you allow yourself to be influenced and swayed..I have low resistance.)

16. The need to read the newspapers every morning

17. More experiences of fine dining

18. Drinking wine, vodka blah blah alcohols

19. Becoming more emotional..tears seem to run rather freely..I seem to be more timid too (No more scary korean and jap movies)

20. The urge to buy clothes for my parents (They're not the shopping kind..totally opposite of me..I wonder where I got my genes from..so mum don't bother having new clothes even during chinese new year..so as the eldest I have to do sth n since I'm getting salary now..I can buy nice clothes for her!! just spent 170 bucks on clothes for my family..i'm going crazy..n poor)

21. Caring about more people..You just feel more responsible and want to make people around you happy. I start thinking more about friends' and tian's family..how to make them happy during times like mothers' day..christmas..new year..n like I should buy flowers or log cakes and visit them with goodies..n when tian's siblings birthdays come..I feel like I should get them sth too..

22. Becoming more money-minded..more stingy (in some areas). I don't like to see money in my account disappear but yet I still use it often..it's very contradicting. Some days I feel a strong need to save..but the next day I can spend 80 bucks on a pair of esprit pants. But i become more calculative.

23. The need for more holidays overseas

24. More adventures and surprises. I love surprises. N also when you grow up..you want to try more things and get more things done so that you'll feel accomplished. However there are a lot of limitations along the way.

25. Lots of conflicting emotions..You start thinking a lot..like thinking about your actions..thinking about what i should and should not believe..n religion..sometimes it gets so tiring to think. To make things worse I'm currently reading Sophie's World..bout the history of philosophy. Well most pple would have already read this book in sec school..nvm i'm a late bloomer haha well..it's a very interesting book which tires my brain out..it's a whole lot of questions for the reader.I was reminded of a discussion with dedrick n yee yen in rjc one late evening when my class was mugging together after school..it's a discussion about whether we have free will..or are our fates pre-determined by someone or sth..think about it

Enough for now..I wanna get some sleep..nice to see jamie n celene today..2 pretty girls. Had dinner with family at suntec today..bumped into a lot of old friends from rg..yi xin jane wen yuan wow..so surprised too

On the way back my sister gave me a lecture on my spending habits. She's not very happy that I'm influenced by my richer friends from rgs n rjc..especially jamie haha since we're closer. Oh well..I reflected a bit n i know it's true that I really buy clothes like nobody's business and i seriously don't need them but at the same time I do observe the costs. N ever since I got my atm card..i've been paying most things on my own n tian pays lesser for me..but i think i'm buying more things..I'm feeling really guilty cos my family's poor but I'm spending as if i'm one of the well-off friends from school..yes I've been very influenced. Tian's family influenced me too. As compared to others I don't buy much but to my sister I changed so much after studying in rg n rj..

I guess I should cancel my appointment at bobbi brown already..sorry jamie..I don't think I should spend another 60+ anytime soon. As beautiful as they look..I guess I really don't need them. I need food..not make-up. And it's not as if I don't have a blusher..what I should get is only the rose lip-gloss which is gorgeous..ok I'm trying very hard to convince myself.

Back to work tml~!I had a fulfilling weekend. Weekends are getting very precious now that I'm working. Time's getting precious too..n Sleep.By the way, I finally passed my final evaluation with flying colours..haha now awaiting the test on the 6th april..n because of that I have to slow down my driving process..I'm this close to finishing my course..can't wait.

i failed again..saw my records n it's the 9th time..I'm simply amazed by my capabilities..to think that I was so eager about driving..

What a sad way to end my otherwise very happy day..tian popped up at my place early in the morning to accompany me to work then sat in my office with me the whole day..he read his digital fortress while I do my work and answer phone calls. We had a great late lunch (I'm not having lunch alone for once) at sakae sushi at bugis then went back to office to only stay for a while before I head for BBDC for my lessons. Glad he was occupied and did not regret accompanying me..totally made my day..my best monday ever and I wondered how many times i told him I love him so very much.

Why must I be so depressed now..met jonathan at driving centre for the first time..think he's taking his revision..n he was somewhere behind me watching me malu myself at parallel parking..well I finally got it after hell lot of practice..only earned 3 chops today..so sad..could've been 4..it just means I have to spend more money on driving..

Managed to book another evaluation after my night practical lessons and the results have not changed. I wonder what sort of failure it makes me after failing for 9 times..wow..I wonder how I passed my A levels..even instructors mock me..

Have not started on uni apps yet..I hope i'd at least get to write one question tml..

I'm stuck halfway and I can't give up..I'm so close to completing my course..why why why

congrats to my darling girlfriend who finally got to do what she wants..I see cash and fun rolling in for her very soon..I was so happy for her and we're practically screaming into the phone this morning when bobbi brown called her. work hard girl..learn all the correct things about make-up and teach me some day..also must know what colours suit my eyes and lips ok..But i'm too poor to own make-up products la..lucky you..just got an anna sui palette..why are you so lucky and me so ill-fated.

back to more work and uni apps attempts and driving.

grosss...baorong just told me that the medicine application form consists of 3 essay questions..oh man that's like my weakest section..thot i can finish my application in one day..now Singapore's getting tough huh..even uk only requires a personal statement..oh sheesh..i haven't written a essay for like 4 months or more..that's just great.

Anyway i'm really looking forward to this evening with tian and my long-awaited weekend!! March is a very busy month for me..but that's good cos it means it'll pass really quickly and soon i'll be getting my pay again~!! yay~ I'm still a poor girl. And suddenly there's a lot of things i feel like buying haha.

I had a terrible time at driving centre yesterday perhaps because it was so damn late..pple..never take the last slot for driving..which would be session 8..the naive me did not see the duration of the lesson..first it's a shorter lesson..not worth the cost of lesson..and then there's really few vehicles and pedestrians on the road..good for learning u-turning perhaps but not good for learning overtaking and being overtaken!! sheesh no vehicles for me to overtake la!! anyway i got scolded because I don't look far..which is a very important thing..sheesh..that's why I'm scared to drive at 60-70 km/h..and I gotta jam my brake at the traffic light junction many times cos I have poor perception and judgement..haiya..this will cost me a failure at the test..nvm a lot of lessons more..hope i'll improve..

I love the weekend..bye guys~!

Nothing much to blog these few days..life's been normal with me going for driving very often and work then tuition..most of my time outside work is spent with tian. Sometimes my home really feels like a hotel for me and that is very bad..i'm very conscious of myself spending so little time at home but..i don't know..haiz in life you gotta make so many choices..like spending time with your family, or boyfriend..or driving, shopping..blah blah..so free yet so busy..I must go home for dinner more often..can't let my absence at home affect my relationship with my dearest family..come to think of it..I haven't spoken to my sis for a long time too cos she's alsleep by the time I reach home..don't even know when she's leaving for KL..

Yeap..we're all in the process of processing our university applications and I plan to do mine tml. Just read the NUS website but I wanna go through it more thoroughly one weekend at home. Still thinking about my 3rd choice of course..n don't know whether or not to apply to SMU..everyone's saying in case in case..I don't even want business to be my 'in case'..

I was astounded when I read jamie's blog n heard that pple are encouraging her to pursue medicine. How do you encourage one to pursue medicine when you don't know whether or not the person is at all interested in a medical career..n such a big decision..how can it be made on the spur of the moment? I have considered Medicine as a career for 2+ years and finally set my heart on it..but only now do i know that the chances of getting the course is less than 1% (1/100) so like wow..I'm lost. N don't know why pple are telling me that many pple are interested in medicine suddenly this year..n that means my chances are going down..

sigh I really hope not only mine..but also my friends' dreams will come true..I'd be so happy to be schoolmates with celene..sarah..bernard..andrew fang..n a lot more pple..of course I can't be with baorong n wingyee cos they're choosing overseas education(lucky pple~!)..

But anyhow..application results will be out in May and I hope everyone made the right choices and get what they want!!

Oh by the way, Amazing Race is so cool and sets your heart thumping away as you race with the 8 contestants..haha so exciting..my favourite reality show..somehow my thing for american idol is dying down slowly..

To my babes..Date next Friday, 18 March 2005. We'll be having dinner at the Yatch Club. To catch up on things n all..let me know if yu can make it ok~! asap..

ciaoz~

my life


my brother, me, my smallest sis and j1 sis..who make me smile..laugh..and angry..My wish is for all of us to grow up to become useful and capable people in the society..and to be well-to-do in the future so that we can give our parents a better life.




this is where I work..can pass off as a warehouse don't you think..it's located at a small cosy corner in KK Hospital..good because few pple walk past the office and it's like our corner..bad cos it's very small and as a Society there are a lot of documents to store so the office is mainly used to store papers rather than accomodate human beings. hahha good enough actually..as a secretariat though temp..I do have responsibilities and do get recognised at meetings so yea i'm quite happy doing what I do.




my desk..sadly I have the laptop and my superior has the computer with internet access..laptop's more cool but internet is still the best..superior sits behind me..so sheesh she can see what i'm doing but i can't see her. Oh and you can see..as I said..the office is full of boxes of old documents which the Society has to keep for some reason.




A mug from the love of my life..I used to use it every morning for my daily cup of milo but since milo is super fattening, I've decided to go for Super's instant cereal for breakfast now =) I love the cup. Everytime I see it, i'll think of him. These few days we've been spending a lot of time together and i'm so happy everyday.

Now that results are out..it's time to think about what we really wanna do for the rest of our lives. I have spent these few days flipping through the numerous books and newspaper which brightsparks have kindly prepared for us to expose us to the various scholarships and to be envious of the many faces featured in it. I think I really have to prepare a backup plan in case I fail to impress my interviewers at NUS. Looking through the many good companies in Singapore..like edb..dsta..pub..keppel..caas..police and even mas..I tried to picture myself in those jobs..which will require me to most probably study economics, international relations or social sciences such courses..I really don't think i can do it. I'm not interested in taking care of Singapore's water supply..or planning policies..or helping overseas universities come to Singapore..how how how..So many chances for me yet I can't make myself want them..

I finally asked my mum if she can send me to Australia if I can't get into NUS medicine..as expected the answer is no as the cost is too high for her and she don't think I can earn it back in the future..so no point going overseas. Why Why wHY..life's just so sad for me but so bright for others. Baorong told me yvonne got accepted into cambridge medicine..how superb is that!! she's definitely going to follow her father's footsteps and be a great doctor..but why don't I get such good fortune..so many of my friends at least have a place in a UK uni or are applying to Australia..haiz Why are some pple born with such extraordinary life but I gotta be a commoner..Oh no..I just realised I'm not a commoner..there're other pple out there who're more unlucky than me..

You see..Sometimes I hate given the opportunity in primary school to study in a top secondary school then college and meet the top pple in the country..be it studies..wealth..status blah blah..If I had gone into a neighbourhood secondary school..I don't think i'd be saying all that above. Being exposed to prestige blinded me and make me become this ugly person who keeps comparing herself to others and can't be contented.

I think I should stop talking and remember that at least I can study and have a wholesome body and I can almost do everything I want. I just need to get into NUS medicine or dentistry. Enough..no need to go overseas for whatever extraordinary university experience or whatsoever. But..Can a person like me really get to be a good doctor? Maybe I need to lower my expectations and in the end settle for something else..hmm social sciences? international relations? then work for some company..yea maybe

Firstly I guess i gotta congratulate all my friends n other zai pple who did well for the As..congrats..be happy and have a great time celebrating. michelle..baorong..yingheng..david..saleem..a lot of my classmates..all those Ds and Ms..good job..I always admired and hated smart pple at the same time haha

Then who those who did not do as well..like what sarah said..maybe this is god's plan..though he did not want to open the doors which you want him to, we simply got to learn to accept the fact and at the same time understand our limitations (i added this myself..)..and also know that life goes on..big deal it's not a perfect score..big deal it's below expectations..we gotta live with what we have..if we can't do this course..we'll consider another. if you know you're not good enough..you've gotta work harder for what you want in life. yea it's simple..but hard to accept.

don't know why i'm feeling so down to earth now..i did fine..below expectations but good enough.Surprisingly I broke my record for GP and made my GP tutor, tian and myself so relieved. i'm just feeling numb. before this I told myself n my friends not to expect anything cos life's simply full of miracles n shit. God might simply decide to play a joke on you n make you suffer this time round. But knowing me who's so demanding of cos i was not contented at the beginning..then I became relieved..now i'm nothing. Not feeling happy. Not feeling sad. No feelings to be exact. It has become another day, another small part of my life which I have to live past n surprisingly I let it pass easily. Maybe it's cos I did not do very badly. N maybe it's cos I did below my hopes hence i'm not shocked and plesantly surprised and over the moon. But in this way it's good i guess. Cos now it becomes a sheet of paper. This results..yes it'll help me..but I don't care about it anymore..I don't even want to think about it. I agree with God that this is what I deserve to get. that's all. full stop. accept it and be contented. Am I becoming a very simple girl? where's my greediness and perfection and jealousy which I once own?
Does this show that i'm maturing? Maybe not.

Haiya why did I take S papers..Thinking back..I got to know some of the top students in school and lessons have been enriching, blur..and interesting..but I don't think it helped in my normal subjects (which I had hoped it did..) I admit I did not put in much effort and did last minute revision (which is simply looking through photocopied friends' answers and trying to do as many questions as i can the day before prelims and As..) sigh sigh sigh..So I did not deserve any Ms. Convinced. Oh another major factor is that I'm not smart. Agreed too. I wonder if genetic engineering will help pple like me in the far future. But then S papers will no longer exist cos everyone will be geniuses. Hmm.
It's the experience that counts.

Another day has past. Made some pple really happy..Tormented others..Tomorrow will be a new day..when pple get back to live their normal lifes..shopping..reading..working blah blah on a saturday morning..n these results will be forgotten. Or will they?

I hope so. I do not wish to talk about results anymore. Singapore sucks because good results are treated like gold. Give pple false hopes..Make pple so mugger and narrow-minded. hai I hope betty and Ness have a better uni life in australia. I hope university is not like that.

Anyway gotta thank my darling for being with me today and not scolding me for anything that i might have said (eg. complaints..).

I just chased my mum away cos I don't want to talk about results anymore and I don't see the point of telling her how my friends did. So tired. Stoned. Not happy.

I'm just looking forward to going out with tian tomorrow. that's all. Get on with life.

late for work today..i'm feeling so shagged and lethargic today due to the lack of sleep last night. I didn't know I'll be this worried about what's going to happen on friday..I never want this day to come..N friday may well be the last day we have to go through such a tormenting time..that is getting our results. I think it'll be different in university..i don't know..who cares..i'm just freaked out by friday..really couldn't sleep at all..maybe i only fell asleep at 5 or sth..had about 3 or more dreams about friday's scene at school..first dream was that i got straight As..2nd dream i don't want to think about it..

Maybe I dream so much is cos i'm desperately psychoing myself to think negatively and lower my expectations so that i'll be prepared for the worst but if my results are good i'll be really happy. But isn't it not good to be a pessimistic person? I don't know..N moments alone these few days suck big time..cos that's when my thoughts run wild..I start thinking how i'll do..how my friends will do..what n how i'll react if the unexpected happens..what if i can't get into medicine..I know it's not the end of the world..But everyone has expectations and dreams..it sucks and hurts when things don't go your way..

Anyway i've decided not to work tml..I don't think i'll get to sleep much tonight so i'm not going to wake up early for work. Shall to go rj fresh from home..N may good luck follow me there..

hai..i'm sighing so much i feel so old..



Marjong session at my place on the last day of chinese new year..which is chinese's valentine's day. This is also the last time we'll see baoxin for maybe a month or so..come out soon dear..




Then there was lo hei just before the clock strikes twelve..haha my mum was busy preparing it..gotta thank her a lot for getting everything done to host my friends at my place..wasn't a very good host..hope the girls didn't mind..anyway i had a great time playing cards and marjong n eating bak kua n yeap the sleep over..




betty's farewell at the airport..very sad and teary scene when betty had to rush in cos she couldn't bear to leave and time's running out..N i can't forget the very touching powerpoint presentation she made for bernard..so happy yet sad for her..glad to hear that she's enjoying herself in aussie now..n with company..take care girl~!