haha it's scary that i dun even know who reads my blog..ok nvm..hey stella..dunno if i wrote anything offending but i was really feeling very sad n disappointed that day..sorry k..i really wanted to win..first match somemore..win for myself..win for baorong..so that her last match wun have to be the deciding one..n i dun want to lose to you anymore!!! haha..nvm..congrats yu won me once again..haha fated. anyway good luck to your j2 life..our so so important year..yay see ya on 8 may..

aniwae i just spent 1 hour not doing work n looking at photos..rearranging my photo album which i'm very proud of..n looking at dance nite photos from jamie's..haha happifying..i love photos..n i realise how kind god has been to me..he gave me the best company anione could have..he allowed me to meet the sincerest, smartest, friendliest and prettiest pple on earth!!! i got to say hi to the pple whom i've not met for a long time through photos..n photos allow me to remember the most exciting and happy moments of my life..haiz..i should be contented..yes.

ok ok back to work..i die die also have to do sth abt my biotech tutorial..gotta stop neglecting biology..sheesh..n my other knee is hurting..i dun want to be handicapped..oh shucks..

rjc won acjc..yes we finally finally won..all the training n stategy planning line-ups n everything else gave us today..we won..oh my god..we did it..as captain..i'm really very very happy when xiufang won her match..it's like new hope..really..i cannot thank god enough for that..the line-up wasn't bad..unlike what we initially thot it was..n our guys won too!!! yes both teams in the finals finally!!! man rjc squash rox..

n i lost my game. Captain of rjc squash team jc2 somemore lost her match..what kind of example is that..not as if i met a tough opponent..was it god's gift that i met stella once again? n was god's strength with me? why did i screw up after the first game n i cannot even remember how i screw up n why i played the way i did.. i'm disgusting and ashamed n really..dunno how to face pple..oh yes my team won..woohoo..but captain din contribute to the win..oh..ok yu lousy shit..oh shit stop this..

stop it stop it stop it..thing now is to train..i think i wanna stop going out on saturdays with tian n maybe ask him to train with me..yes that's quite good..aniwae it's only one saturday..oh sheesh!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have no time..god god god..oh no crap..k i know what's wrong with me..balls are not going into corners..strokes all over which is shit..n i'm slow to turn to receive cross-courts..yes ok..train train train..that's all i can do to redeem myself..i have one last chance..my last match of my life..

god pls help me..n pls help beautiful sarah..let her be happy..help her focus on her goals and grant her ample rest..pam too..

i have no one to talk to now..i need to talk to you blog..
had another religion gp class today..n things abt god is really getting into me..i've already thanked god twice today..two long lists of thanks..more tonight before i sleep..

ever since the morning..then it was afternoon..n the feeling is back now again..i cannot settle down n concentrate on my work..had a short session of piano to soothe myself n after a phone call from coach..i really need to talk to someone again..thanks pam for listening to me today after gp..

i know yu all wun believe..told br but she definitely carn feel what i'm going through now..yes it's just another nationals match..n not as if it's my first match..but this is my first serious match..every since secondary sch when i first held my very own squash racket..due to my incapabilities..i'm always the reserve n have never played under the situation where there's a whole crowd of pple watching your every move..watching your good shots..watching yu make mistakes n cheering yu on..yes i have always been the spectator cheering my team on..yet tml it's my turn..coach told me to think nth abt it..yes the pressure is there but what i gotta do is just concentrate on my game n filter out the stress n crowd..easier said than done..from experience whenever i play a challenging game..my body turns jelly..yes practically!!!! i will shake a little..the extent where pple carn see the effect..n my heart will be beating really vigorously..like the game with stella last yr and this year with julia..i can never play my best under such competition..n tml's game is like totally crucial..n to me now it's practically life n death..serious! it's like i'm gonna die tml n i am trying very hard to calm myself down..really..

feeling right now..literally butterflies in my stomach..this really weird feeling..n like yu canot breathe properly..sth's pressing down against yu..ever felt that before? gosh even during o levels..yea maybe it was this feeling too..i really couldn't take it in the morning..n i started praying to god to thank him for everything n to thank him in advance for giving me strength tml..

really..there's so many to thank..n i really need to talk to god again now..dear god thank you for the great team yu've given me this year to help me go through perhaps my last squash match..yea really sad but that's what it is..
thank you for helping us endure trainings and all the matches to be able to play in the semi-finals tml..thank you for the support from my really wonderful class..friends..tian..thanks for very supportive n tolerant coach..teachers-in-charge..thanks for letting me being in rj in the first place..the experience i've had here is really unbelieveable..n great..my hands are shaking..
thank you for my allowance today..i'm so broke but yet can eat so much in sch..thank you for my little bed which i'm going to sleep well in tonight..thank you for everything..n thank you for the courage..strength..luck and everything yu'd give me to prepare for tml's match..god..help me..just let me have a good sleep tonight..please..

i'm supposed to do biotech question now..n i shall attempt..but actually i feel like watching tv..i just wanna do everything to help myself relax..
i wanna be as strong as charlene..

oh..went shopping with jamie n mich ysterday..again. n finally..haha bet we made jamie veh happy..to think that we used to do this almost more than twice every week few years ago..haha..sigh..i missed secondary sch..when i'm not so mugger n would go out life nobody's business n do badly in o levels..oh well..but great free n happy life back then.. ok aniwae we tried some dresses at tangs n i'm sorry but i think jamie looks pretty n sweet in that glod dolly dress but that colour's a little too deep..too golden..n she tried on a really nice tube from allure..think it's got potential..hmm getting excited to think bout prom this year..i just wanna dress up..look good..n have a great night taking photos and looking at pretty pple!! but that wun be very soon..oh well..
i'm sorry i hate shopping now..haha always wanna get this n that but know that my chances of getting them is like 10% sigh literally poor girl..n when yu go shopping with 2 fabulous girls like michelle n jamie..cow yu'll feel so demoralised..they know what i mean..this is damn sad..mich told me nobody is perfect..cos i've an ok face..i have a bad body? that's way unfair..cos my flaws are more than 1..2.. got so many flaws till i'm so sick of them n sick of myself..knowing that i carn do anything about them..cow i suck man..yu may think i'm greedy..but hello..yu dunno me..yu dunno how many defects i have all over..haha imperfections suck..pathatic woman..

ok stop being so superficial..yu should thank god you even exist..hmm..but do i want to exist..for tian n for my beautiful friends n family..i think i do..

hi..it's finally raining..but it's still very hot..maybe it's just me..aniwae i'm taking a break from work..in the middle of quantum physics..rather do-able..good for me..later still gotta practise piano..i better remember..i carn concentrate on blogging..gay voices of 5566 in the background..my sis loves them..she's in denial..confused girl..poor thing

yu know..every week of sch is like a surprise..some week it'll be a surprise cos everyone's really trigger-happy..we'll have a lot of girl'talk..everyone will be very relax n smiling away..but some weeks..some horrible things must happen to either one of us..like recently..n i should say it's tormenting..i dunno..young pretty girls..only 17 of age..aren't these things too much for us? i dunno..pple cry..pple hurt n lose concentration in their work..lose their focus in life..n today sth happened again..
i'm sorry friends..i dunno how to make yu happier..make yu forget your pain n i know constantly asking yu to stop thinking n focus is no use..cos everything's easier said than done..guess such stuff are part n parcel of life..n it's always the girls who get hurt..shall i say..let's not be angry n upset over these creatures who're oozing testosterone..human nature i guess..everyone has an internal magnet that carn help but get attracted to someone sooner or later..it's hard to forget..i know..but ..oh no i'm not making sense..i really dunno how to console..i'm in no position to speak cos i admit i really dunno how sad n how painful yu feel..i'm sorry..sheesh i'm an idiot..act smart for wad..

ok..change topic..let's pray..pray for the goodness in man..pray for a happy n exciting week ahead..wed squash semi-finals with acjc..friday dance night..it carn get any better..god pls bless all of us..give us what we deserve for our effort n hardwork that we've put in for the past few months..sigh..i can just picture the scene of rj winning on wednesday..the picture appeared a lot of times already..is that hope..or confirmation??
n i pray..pray for my friends to be happy..to quickly forget..n to find new happiness in their lifes..sigh..
i think i dun want to study animore..just let me get married to him n be a housewife..haha my fairytale..maybe i should be a tai-tai next time..n stop acting strong n think yu want to be a gynae..yu wun even touch an insect..sigh

haha..it's another happy jessica day~!! yes i haven been blogging for ages cos really no time..everyday come home late..do few questions of tutorials n very soon i'll succumb to my bed..though it's not as comfortable and big as jia wen's..haha happy good friday pple~!! what a great holiday..as yu grow older n older..holidays are becoming so precious..i'm finally going out!!! watching passion of christ at cine later..then going for saturday night fever!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh sheeesh i still carn believe i'm so happening..haha thanks to my powerful boyfriend eh..haha yay~!! anowae yesterday we had a fabulous time at jiawen's..thanks to everyone for coming down..n those who couldn't make it..yu missed out a crazy and lame night..haha with pple kena pushed down the deep pool one by one..floats capsized..lame photo-takings..haha n chases by dogs and cats and little frogs..haha jiawen's house is a villa..exactly like a bali resort..no joke..haha it's very scary to think how much richer some pple around us are..very fun yesterday..thanks jia wen!!! sorry we made a mess and ruin your house a little..with all the noise and water splashing around..aniwae jia wen and her sisters are really beautiful princesses..three very pretty, talented and fortunate girls..

whatever comes cannot alter one thing
if i'm a princess in rags and tatters
i can be a princess inside
it would be easy to be a princess
if i were dressed in cloth of gold
but it is a great deal
more of a triumph
to be a princess
all the time
when no one knows it..
- poem from sarah's blog..i loved it..

i will be happy..
i want to be happy..forever