Smile
I do try to smile..despite how miserable i feel..i do..i wanna be like pam..always smiling n making jokes to make pple around her smile..n i encourage her by smiling n laughing at her jokes..but it was so hard..sometimes i wanna smile for her when she tries to brighten me up with her jokes again..i really couldn't force a smile..

it was tears today..i realised how lousy and hopeless and sucky n stupid and useless i was..gp compo got 23..gp compre got 23..haha..yes i know pple in front of the screen now is telling me to juz give up n go n die..like 23..man yur english sux or wad..ya..i know..tell me what to do about it pls..i walked out of the TS feeling like hell..really couldn't take it at that moment of time..
i'm alright now..n of cos have come up with all sorts of stuff like going to british council for english tuition and writing one compo every week..but i know i'm not that disciplined..i always draw out study plans but never follow it strictly..say i wanna do this do that but never get it done..gosh i hate myself okay..wad's wrong with me..such a failure..i really dunno what to do..

dawn..it was nice to see a message from yu..thought yu wun bother about boring pple like me who mug whole day n always complain complain..thanks a lot..
i'm on the phone with tian now..sounding really bad n lifeless but i really have nothing to say to him..or perhaps juz too tired..anywae i'm sure he's tried of my grumblings..

oh i had lunch with kym ng today at ghim mo..long story nvm..anywae she's a veh nice person..veh friendly..not that pretty with make-up but it's fine..aniwae it was nice talking to her..
gotta mug now..chemistry nite today..

Crying within
dearest CC..
yu nearly made me lose my mind today..i was pissed and unhappy with yu..i nearly cried..yu kept on teaching n talking..i could only keep still and silent..expressionless..n stone as my head got more painful after trying to figure out wad yu've been doing for the past 1 half hour..it was pure torture at ghim mo..physics tuition is my nightmare..

i have no idea why yu're rushing like a bullet train today..we're the ones taking our promos soon..not yu..we're the one who need to fully understand the topics before we can do those past yr papers..not juz do them based on a formula sheet that is to be memorised..man! why carn yu let us set the pace for our own lesson that we paid quite a lot for..yu may be stressed that we dun have much time to do revision cos there's only two weeks left..but since waves is gonna be a big question in the paper..with reference from past yr papers..why don't yu slow down n let us truly understand everything yu've taught? repeating formulas and their proofs is not gonna help much sir..

n it is not only ME who din have a lesson with yu on diffraction and those other waves stuff..almost the whole tuesday class did not do it!! stop blaming me~!!! yu're the one who's disorganised n have too many students that's why yu arrange lessons for some but forget the others..seriously~!!! it's so unfair..to be e small group who was left out for such an important topic..yes n what am i doing now..reading my own physics reference book..n i finally understand the topic and how those formulas were derived now..all thanks to myself..

sometimes i really love yu cos yu make us do a lot of examples till we're quite good at them..but like today..i really wanted to pull my hair out..

to pple out there who think pple under Cc sure do well for physics..NOT TRUE.
pple always say.."yu got Cc wad..yur physics sure secured lo!"..
MY ASS
if yu have Cc..n juz go for his lessons but dun bother to do his work and revise frequently and take time to think through yur work..can do well??? haha yu dream ah..have Cc so wad..he's not gonna wear a skirt n go rj to take exams for me wad..it's still me in the end..i gotta do his work diligently..pay 101% attention during his lesson cos he goes like a train..n also link what is taught at lectures to wad he teaches..
on the whole..it's not a blessing to have Cc..it's juz more work and stress for me..
gosh

gotta thank my tuition mates for being there always to suan him..haha
god bless me..
yu know..i really wanna get A for physics..i wasn't that close to an A for common test..but somehow i dun think it's impossible if i work harder, revise more and get my concepts right..but right now..i dun dare to think..i'll juz do my best..

really..i dun dare to think about my results for promos..S-paper?..i wouldn't dare to dream..

Happifying
yeap..good day on the whole..met him today..that really boosted my day n helped me relax..or else whole day at home i'll juz crash n burn..internal injury..haha
i stayed home today to try to mug more..oh well..my only achievement was that i finished respiration..read campbell n understood every line..n could roughly remember most of the enzymes and products..pyruvate n acetyl CoA and oxaloacetate n the number of carbon lost in every step.. ATP n NADH produced..hope the info will remain fresh all the way till promos..this's gonna be my promos revision for respiration..halfwae through respiration tutorial..hope to finish at least one structured question before my brain activity ceases..
so unproductive..other than bio..i did maths n couldn't do most of tutorial 14b..felt so dumb yu know..not as if i din pay attention during lecture..n i read the notes..this topic isn't that tough wad..shucks..in e end..din accomplish anything..
my death is near..

we went jurong point to help me destress..i had claypot chicken noodles..wahh damn shiok..i haven had hawker centre food for quite a while..yay so nice..n after tian left..i couldn't resist as i walked past coffee bean/..yes..i bought it..raspberry cheesecake!!!!!!!!!! wahhh damn shiok k..i simply love cheese cheese cheese..n cake!! haha damn sinful..not only did i spend unnecessary money..i juz ate a damn fattening cheesecake..

Cleo says love yur body..yes yes..i'm trying to psycho myself now..n oh yes..my sis bought Cleo..yes i was the one who told her to..n i spent an hour reading it..overwhelming myself with beauty tips and products and clothes..gosh i'm a sucker for everything..

n yu wun believe this..i spent 2 hours watching vanilla sky..e show with tom cruise and penelope and cameron diaz..damn chem show k..not that nice cos penelope's acting is so-so.. but the concept behind the show is quite intriguing..but hello..impossible la..like totally unreal..living in dreams where yu can control everything and everybody..sighh..

okay..blasting from my two little speakers now is Where Is The Love by Black Eyed Peas..this song totally rocks~!!! got me so hyped up n shaking n make me more awake to do bio~!! pple who dun have this song..stop being so deprived n download it immediately~!!! gosh i love this song..

Zombied
yeap did keep in touch with the children..sadly it's only one of them..eileen..she asked me for my no. on the last day of camp n we've been talking since..but one thing i feel damn bad n embarassed abt..i'm e sort who tends to read e sms and forget to reply when i'm busy with sth else..then she'll keep messaging back asking if i got the msg..n always i hafta say sorry..haiz..

i'm so tired today..yes after charlie chan's i was like a living zombie..bet i looked so bad pple around me on the bus and at the bus stop were thinking what's wrong with this girl..gosh..i was miserable..i could barely catch up with what charlie was teaching..i din know how to do the exercise questions..n jamie teo who sat beside me was stressing the hell out of me cos she could do everything!! usually i could understand everything charlie teaches..i'm so attentive n participates actively..today..i struggled..struggled for my dear life..sth's wrong with me..i think i need to mug physics more.. yes..i shall..

yes..continuing with my bad day..i had an early nite yesterday..10.30..how early is tt man!!! i was so guilty cos i din mug anything!!! aniwae woke up late even..cabbed to sch..wasted 6+ bucks..stupid me..

then was stressing over jamie's present..cos i thot i wun have time to get it by tml..so was thinking rush down to orchard after sch on wednesday..then cannot..cos too late n mich hafta go for her grandma's wake..so yes..rushed down to orchard after sch today..wahhh was walkign at super fast pace and thanks to my excellent shoppin skills (sheesh i'm a shopping addict) i managed to find sth for jamie in less than an hour..yeap broke my record time..aniwae it was a little bag from mango..n i tell yu i fell in love the first time i saw it!!! yes jamie..I LOVE IT!!!! if i were selfish enough i would not buy it for yu n juz keep it for myself..seriously i want it so badly..thot it looked so good n sophisticated..haha nvm..but..it's yur birthday..i wanna get yu sth i think it's worthy of yu n suits yu..n so i sacrificed and bought it for yu..n the next thing i thot..man i love it so much n wad if yu dun like it or find it so-so..i'll be totally upset man..so i'll juz keep my fingers crossed..n pray..
oh oh..n the perlini necklace..i paced up n down n to n fro the perlini shops at taka and wisma k..n that was the part which troubled me the most..wad would you like..wad's affordable..and one thing..yu have millions of necklaces..yu dun really need another!!! k anywae yu have everything yu desire..dunno why i'm so stressed out also..silly me..sighhh.. aniwae i saw this necklace..i noticed it since a week ago when i was shopping..yeap i liked it..but i remembered jamie had sth very similiar and also..the necklace's chain..is not one which jamie likes..but after investigation..found out the chain can be removed..so fine..i juz got it..i need to go back to ghim mo for charlie chan in few minutes time..yeap..n i got it..
i think the gifts for jamie are perfect..could have gotten better stuff but under time constraint..i think i did a great job..heh..

oh jamie..i wanted to get a nice black elegant wallet from BEbe..remember the one we saw? yea yu said it was nice..difinitely better than your current killer wallet..haha aniwae went to see it n it was 70..opps..way over budget..sorry~
n gotta thank mich for worring over jamie's present with me and for the gift ideas..n hwee ying too for tt brillant one..haha cool!

i tied my hair today..with a little pony tail..din know it's THAT BAD..is it? first was jian wei..eyes bigger than usual..looked a little stunned..then was jamie..forever nth good to say abt me..said i looked weird or sth..then chin siang..said mian4 mu4 quan2 fei1 but said i looked better..a few consolations from classmates who said i looked good..derick needed time to recognise it was me..conclusion? no conclusion..wadeva la..yes i dun need to look good..ugly also can survive in sch..
but one thing..it's been a long time ever since i tied up my hair n i had a headache at the end of the say cos i hafta pull my hair back tight..yea..stressed my head..scalp..and eventually e brain..oh well..seriously..if i have the money now..i'll go to 'the scene' at wisma for a good head massage n shampooing n get my hair nicely cut..

during gp today we talked about streaming..yes fierce argument from dedrick..n daniel is forever talking like a PAP member..or mp..he can go run for elections n become the youngest mp..haha i'm so definite he'll make it..anywae thinking about streaming..i support dedrick..gotta agree that there's selfishness and impatience on the part of the government..at pri 3..and sec 1..hello..based on IQ, talents, interests, behaviour and of cos results..yu cannot determine if one is gifted or not!! ..n i'm fully convinced by the results of edison and einstein..also..i know many EM2 students who made it to RJ or a top secondary sch!!..students from neighbourhood sch could also make it to RJ..so hello..haven't we left them out n failed to provide them with higher education for the past 4 years while they are in sec sch?? it's a total discrimation! After sch when the girls had a gathering in the toilet..yee yen mentioned that she's in a dileama..cos she agrees with dedrick tt streaming is unfair n does not really work well in producing more edisons and einstein..she admits benefitting more from streaming..as top 25% students..true..but uh huh..out of these 25% who made it to top schools..how many actually neglected their studies n did not turn out to be who and how the government expected them to be - model students with excellent results? quite a number from every school..n adding up..the number gets significant. Here we have wasted the country's resources and the chance could be given to other students whose potential is yet to be discovered..
singapore is too practical..that's what i have to say..n seriously..i dun like the education system..pple at alexandra road..pls review it..or let's say..yu all are kind of screwed up..sorry..but yes..like project work..man yu guys were only thinking about yur own benefits rite..like your testimonial will look good cos yu implemented project work that is supposed to do us students good!! wanna look at us now?? n e teachers?? who are like really tired of reviewing us and filling in forms..yu guys are BEASTS..cruel..cunning..unfeeling..cold.. brainless and heartless BEASTS. sorry i gotta use those words.. i'm a very honest girl.

9.44..time to go practise piano..hope i have the energy to stay up till twelve thirty today so that i can accomplish more..but i doubt my ability..

sigh..

yes i'm missing out so much stuff..haven being online for quite a while..no time man..gotta practise piano every nite..cos teacher juz keep teachign n teaching n me being such a slow student who simply lack talent..gotta practise damn damn long n many times to get one page rite..arghhh..nvm..i'm still hanging on..n mugging for promos now..sarah's stressing me out..everyone's so good at physics now except me..jin yi's physics is like shen2 now..gosh i betta buck up..seem to be slacking away like nobody's business..

n where did tt mugssica come from..gosh so nan2 ting1..jamie..must yu call me that..mugger sounds nicer..n wadeva i admit man..yea i'm the slave driver..as well as the slave..as well as e mugger..why dun pple realise that i go out much more than them..hah they're the real closet muggers..mug n dun wan to admit..so typical..n irritating..mug then mug la..so many pple mugging in sch early in the morning at 8 while i'm still in bed..crazy..i'll juz go back to sleep again man..like today mugging at home..slept in between..afternoons..for about 3 hours in total..oh well..yes i'm a pig too..

my pw's screwed..we're stagnant..no one's doing anything..no one seem to bother..fine we shall meet everyday then..but i carn make it~!!!! pple why dun yu all reply to my messages..it's like 6 messages in total..n meet online n do the evaluation form..why doesn't any one do it??? gosh why am i always the one doing n pushing pple to do..i'm veh tired of that le..i need more time to study..dun have much energy to spare to worry about pw man..godness i hate myself..but come to think about it..if i really dun care n dun arrange meetings n assign tasks./our project is gone leh..that's the seriousness..nvm..nobody cares aniwae..sigh

interact camp ended yesterday..whole 2 day camp..a real active one..n yu really carn afford to be sleepy or sian cos the group needs the volunteers to psyche up the children and encourage them to participate actively in the games..i had a hard time..yea end up swinging a guy onto the floor while playing handicapped basketball..n got scolded fo being so hyper..sigh nvm they wun understand y i keep shouting n screaming n smiling though i'm so tired n sometimes really depressed cos i carn get all the children to participate in the games..it's all for the kids..aniwae build many new relationships with the children and my fellow group volunteers..pple like he qi..jiaying..rebecca and eunice..very nice pple..it's like yu always see some pple around in sch but never talk to each other cos there's no chance of interaction..so i really gotta thank this camp for letting me know so many more pple..n it was really fun overall..learnt volleyball n stuff..got to know how these children actually feel about their lives...i thank mich and jamie for persuading me to join the camp..it;'s really an eye-opener and an enriching experience..

there's this girl in my camp..her boyfriend got into some trouble with the law and had to go to court today..i wonder how he is..n the girl's very sad..cos he'll either go to jail..or be sent to malaysia (he's a malaysian) or he's going australia to study..she told me though this is not her first boyfriend..n there're only together for about 7 mths..their relationship is the strongest and she knows that he's the one whom she can really trust..i was very sad for her n lost for words..i'm so sorry i couln't help her in any way but to console her..n tell her to get on with life n tt she still can keep in touch with him..yu should see the look on her face..haiz so young n hafta go through such trauma..god bless yu diana..

charlie chan juz reminded me that it's only 3 weeks after the hols to promos..gosh can i finish revising..wad do i exactly hafta do? how to go about revising?? really hope someone can guide me to revise the right way so that i dun waste time..cos i really dun have much left..haha sound like i'm dying soon..have been meeting tian almost everyday..like today..though i;'m supposed to spend my tim studying..but i'm so glad to meet him..he looks good to me everyday n when i see him n he holds my hand n i lean close to him..i feel totally relax n it's like my worries all flow away..today i was very stressed out after chan's class cos i carn do stationary waves..tian totally calm me down..haiz but gotta study n carn meet him everyday la..nvm i can do it myself..yea i'll do wad i'm best at..sleep to relax..sigh

time to go..pple enjoy the last 5 days of holiday..new SARS case alert..haha someone said maybe they'll close schs down n exten hols cos of SARS again..hah my ass la..yu go on dreaming man..haiz but i really hope to dream..good nite pple~!