Lonely.
I can go shopping, or go for a jog, or watch Music & Lyrics with my sister downstairs, but I'm not really in the mood. She started while I was still in bed anyway.
Tian's busy in hospital these weeks talking to patients, attending lectures and tutorials, learning physical examination...
Everyday I'd try to meet him after his work, just one hour with him is good enough, better than none.
He cannot talk to me on the phone or sms me in the day, from 8am to 5pm, because his day is so packed and today, he only had half an hour for lunch. So he can't talk to me during lunch.
Every end of the day, I'd make him tell me everything that he did in hospital for that day. Tian doesn't say much, he's too tired to talk. So I'd keep asking him questions, and he'd reply me in a short sentence.
I'm so persistent and annoying I bet, but I usually only manage to squeeze out a short summary from him.
I'm supposed to be doing all this, I may not be in the same hospital as him, but maybe running around in another hospital.
It's been 2 years, but I still believe so. I only wished for the passion to go away, but it didn't at all.
The more I study with Tian, the more I attend his lectures, the more I learn about what he does in hospital everyday...the more miserable I feel because I can't do any of this. None. Not even close.
You may say that 2 years ago at 19, I wouldn't know how much I want something and if that something is what I really want, whether it is where my passion lies.
And so now I tell you, it's been 2 years and nothing has changed. My passion for it is so strong, I am so damn sure I really want it but so what, god rather give others the chance, but not me.
I want to be busy, I don't want to sit at home blogging in front of the computer, all because I have no one to talk to about this. I love being busy because only then will I have lesser time to think about my miserable life.
I hate it when I start thinking too much. I hate it even more when I cry.
These few days Tian's doing a lot of history-taking on their own. Do you think I can grab a labcoat, buy a stethoscope and follow them on their rounds?
I would die to do that.
But of course I can't, my matric card doesn't say _____________________. It says Bioengineering.
Tian must be so sick of me talking to him about this. That's why I can't talk to him, so I blog. He tells me to get over it already and find out what kind of jobs I can do in the future with my degree.
Is there a single soul who really knows how I feel, or what I've been going through mentally and emotionally for the past 2 years?
And do you have any idea how hard it is to get into GMS?
But somehow I know I'll never give up.
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2 comments:
Well, i can say that from my very puny experience with life's harshest lessons, the only way to move on is to put into perspective what's already infront of you. If helping fellow humans and caring for them is what drives you, i don't see why bio-engineering is anything less than medicine. Sure, no Dr status, no recognition, but is that what really matters here? If you can save one life, just one life with your work as a bio-engineer, your worth to society will be priceless. Cheer up, things happen for a reason, change your perspective, accept what you cannot change and pursue what you're doing wholeheartedly.
hey, i was informed about your entry on May 4th, and just thought that you should know, you're not alone. I, like you, am absolutely sure that medicine is the only thing that i ever want to do in my life. Been on several medical attachments, spoken to doctors of different ranks, Consultants to house officers, understood the trials and tribulations of a medical career, and became even more certain about my conviction to study medicine. And, just like you, i have thought about this endlessly for the past 2 years. I'll be entering uni this year and will obviously be doing something i have no interest in, and as much as i would like to put all these behind me, im afraid that its not quite possible. Honestly, you cant just put down your passion like that, even if fate insists on being so cruel to you. So I understand just how futile it is to have someone tell you not to think about it and let it go, when its not like you choose to be like this. Im not sure if this is comforting but, stay strong, you're not alone, and lets hope that things will turn out better for not just the both of us, but for everyone else like us.
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