Innerpeace

9.30am - I just delivered Brand's chicken essence to Tian at the Science carpark before he rushed off for his physiology CA. I'm sweating like a pig now, rushing down to NUS in cab then to Cheers to buy the chicken essence then rushed to Science in my heels. Just reached Engin for maths tutorial at 10am. The smile on his face is priceless, and I gave him a good luck kiss! Hope the chicken essence will provide him with the extra boost to do well for his most dreadful paper. And tomorrow would be his temporary freedom day yay~. But somehow I've been brooding over my end-of-semester exam ever since last night and I feel the urgent need to START revision right NOW, so I don't think I should go out so much though Tian is free for the week. Haiz choices.


Monday was the start of their CAs and I've been going over to Science to meet Tian before his papers. Looking at them busy discussing and revising their work before the paper, looking at their notes, and looking at them walk together to the exam hall, it only reminded me that I'm not a part of this community, I've been casted out and rejected, I've been so deprived of the chance to pursue my interest with many like-minded people. I want to be part of them..I want to study with them, and memorise so much information till my brains get fried I don't mind..I want to take the examinations with them, I want to compare results with them for biochem. I want to be them so badly.


I was such an optimistic little girl in JC, thinking at only good things happen to me. Other than a future as a medical student, nothing else was imaginable. In the end I'm living a life that I never imagined or wanted when I was younger. Sometimes I think my life is a joke, and the Almighty One up there must be playing a prank on me. I used to think that with hardwork I can get everything I want. When I was younger, I studied hard for good results to get my first Nike shoes and Sony Discman. Then I studied hard to get myself in the Rafflesian schools and I'm so proud to be part of the Rafflesian family. Apparantly, hardwork is worthless now. Luck becomes a more important factor now maybe.


I don't know how painful a break-up can be, but I definitely know how excruciating the pain is when you live a life that you do not want, when you are made to study subjects that you have zilch interest in, when you have to brainwash yourself and make yourself think that you are going to be a bioengineer when what you really want is to be a doctor, and when you look at so many other people who made it but not you.


Sorry, this is supposed to be a happy post, but I had to let out my sorrow to you again since I can't let it out or show it when I'm not alone. And when you see me smiling whenever I'm at Science, look at how well I'm faking the smile and if you have super bionic eyes, you might be able to see through me..see my heart breaking into pieces.


All the best for your last Anat paper guys.