Innerpeace

Alone

Tonight is not a happy night. I don't know. Maybe I'm just pmsing. Maybe it's the effect of being in the lab from 10-6. Whatever it is, I'm taking everything so negatively tonight. And I'm thinking about so many things. I found out that I'm not an intellectual person. I don't speak proper English, I don't know about world affairs, basically I don't give intellectual replies. It's just a nicer way of saying I'm stupid. So the boyfriend told me I should just not reply. Maybe I won't appear too antisocial and unfriendly if I just keep quiet and smile. This is why I get teased at all the time. I'm brainless. Knew I was never meant to go to the raffles schools. My friends never stop reminding me of that. And it doesn't help that I'm stuck with a brainless title which I detest to the core, also because it should have belonged to someone else, so not only do I have to take something that does not belong to me, I have to live with the additional stereotypic stupidity that comes along with it. As if I don't already know I'm not intellectual. And there was another awakening tonight. Think that was worse. Just when I thought I'm always there, even more than others, and I have shifted my priorities - even the boyfriend knows that - but today I found out that people did not realise at all. It's just sad. Just when I thought I have friends, perhaps I don't. Perhaps I'm just there to make the numbers. I really wish there could be some honestly among friends and just tell me when you're unhappy with me. I'm not the kind who can live with superficial friendships. Totally opposite from the boyfriend. He doesn't care about what his friends think of him, and tells me (since secondary school) that I should do that too but obviously I can't live like that. Think I'm trying too hard to make everyone around me happy, and I'm getting tired. Unhappy with him too, for making me wait for more than an hour while he finishes his game. Honestly, it is that important? I'm so tired of giving in to this, giving in to that, I don't even have my own holiday now. Can you imagine, it's your holiday and you still have to give in? What I really wanna do now is to go back to Europe with my sister before she starts her SEP. I still have not made peace with the girl friend and he does not even care about that. It's honestly nothing to him, when it's such a big thing to me and it's one of my closest friends. I don't know how can anyone be so insensitive.

I really hate today.